


A Mucracker and Sherlock Walk into a Bar

by DaelynPaolini



Category: Naruto
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Anal Sex, Blow Jobs, Fingering, M/M, Masturbation, Rimming, Sibling Incest, Slash, Smut, Swearing, Toys, Yaoi
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-11-12
Updated: 2014-11-12
Packaged: 2017-12-13 02:16:20
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,443
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/818794
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DaelynPaolini/pseuds/DaelynPaolini
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The punch line of the joke? Not only are they butt buddies they're also brothers! But shh, they don't know that...yet. *modern AU, mature content, also on AO3, reader discretion is advised*</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Mucracker and Sherlock Walk into a Bar

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I decided to rewrite this story. I really don't like how this turned out. It just seems...off. I dunno. What do you guys think? Hopefully you have a good read, though.

“Hey, Sassycakes, come take a body shot with me.” Sakura wiggled a finger at me, her newest boy toy.

“I told you not to call me that,” I hissed. She just giggled like the pink-haired idiot she was, which was magnified by her drunken slurs. Why did I even put up with her? I blinked once, alcohol coursing through my own veins and clouding my better judgment; then I decided I wouldn’t put up with the bitch any longer.

When you’re young, you make a lot of mistakes. When you’re drunk, you make more mistakes that are even stupider. When you’re a celebrity, you’re allowed to get away with a whole lot of mistakes. Put all three together and shit gets real.

“Hey, everybody, listen up,” I shouted as I clumsily climbed up the barstool.

“Yo, birthday boy.” Choji grinned and tipped his bitch ass glass of water toward me.

“I have something I need to say to you guys.” My tongue was thick as the words tripped over the alcohol out of my mouth. I didn’t give a shit. What I had to say was important to hear. “I’m gay!”

The whole bar went silent and watched me with curious eyes. I glared at each and every one of them, daring them to say one mean thing to me. In a heartbeat I would have trashed their reputations with my connections, but instead of libel and cruel slurs I received a crescendo of laughter.

“What? The hell are you guys laughing at?”

“You think we haven’t noticed?” Naruto sneered and slapped the bar. “Dude, the whole office park knows.”

“Yeah, it was kind of obvious,” Shikamaru said. “What other guy would pay so much attention to their appearance?”

I looked down at my hundred dollar sweater.

“You guys are a bunch of stereotyping assholes,” I said underneath my breath.

“You cuss way too much when you’re—”

“Sasuke!” Sakura yanked me down from my well-deserved throne. “What do you mean ‘gay’?”

“I like dicks!” A few people within earshot laughed with me.

Sakura blushed and sputtered.

“How much more in-depth do you want me to go? I prefer a dick in my ass not—”

“Okay, okay! I—I didn’t mean it like that, Sasuke.” She ducked her head and blushed some fluorescent shade of red. I saw tears build up in her reddening eyes but couldn’t care. She was a bit of a whore anyway so maybe she deserved it. “God, you’re such an ass, Sasuke,” she sobbed and raised a hand to slap me, but a blonde friend of hers grabbed her around the waist and guided her away from me; they were followed by two more of the alien race that was the female.

“Dick,” the blonde girl muttered.

“Bitch.”

After the pack of girls left, I turned to my friends. We laughed, clinked out beers together, and started to prepare ourselves for the coming night.

“To being twenty-one, gay, and free of my bitch of an ex-girlfriend.” I pumped a flaming shot glass into the air and heard everyone around me shout their assent as I gulped down the fiery liquid.

The next hour was spent responding to a host of people asking about my next article as if I would actually tell them a damn thing. Most of them wanted to know if I was going to cover Kid Watergate, as the most recent major scandal had been dubbed. I wanted to ask them why I would bash some pathetic politician everyone else was having his or her way with but kept that to myself. They would just have to wait until the article came out on Tuesday. Tonight it was a Thursday and I didn’t want to think about anything other than that, so I pushed work out of my mind.

“Getting a little chubby, huh, Sasuke?” TenTen poked me in the side as she saddled herself against the wall next to me. I was nursing my sanity with bourbon between the horrid karaoke songs.

“Tch, shut it,” I said.

“Well, I guess it comes with the territory,” she said and shrugged her shoulders. “All writers do is sit on their asses, am I right?” She smiled and laughed with me before lightly punching me in the arm.

“Yeah. It’s been a while since we’ve talked. How’s your dojo coming along?”

“Really well. It’s gotten a lot more popular sine Lee jumped in to help me out with the karate classes.”

“I imagine a dojo solely for weapons sparring might not be too popular in Japan,” I laughed.

“It’s not fair.” She pouted at this and shrugged. “Oh, and Lee is having everyone call him _Rock_ Lee. Can you believe it?” We both laughed at this and shook our heads.

“Only Lee. And you and Neji?”

“Our three-year anniversary is coming up in two months.” Her face softened at the mention of her boyfriend. I couldn’t help but feel more than happy for her. She deserved a decent person.

“And he hasn’t proposed yet?” I cocked an eyebrow, causing TenTen to blush and sputter in response.

“Why—Why would he do something like that? Has he said something to you? I thought I made it clear I don’t want to marry!”

“Hey, hey, hey! Relax, TenTen, I was just making a joke. I know how you feel about marriage.” I raised my hands in defeat then shrugged a shoulder in sympathy and tapped her on the arm with the back of my hand. “But he seems good for you. Keep this one.”

“What about you?” She straightened up at this and shot me an accusatory glance.

“What do you mean?” I felt my face heat up, knowing exactly what she meant.

“I _mean_ , how are you and your recent conquests? Find anyone special?”

“No, I haven’t,” I said in a sigh and scratched the back of my head. “I’ve actually been stuck on this one girl for a couple weeks but I finally let her go tonight.”

“I imagine. So you came out? And I didn’t even know! I thought we were best friends,” she said. I shrugged and looked up to meet her playful brown eyes. “Nah, whatever makes you happy. So was she a real bitch?”

“Totally. Materialistic, preppy, self-centered, and horny as fuck.”

TenTen wiggled her eyebrows at me.

“I—I’m not that way!”

She laughed and swatted her hand at me.

“Yeah, yeah, whatever you say. It’s been this way since middle school,” she trailed off. I glared at her.

That was the moment I happened to glance at the front door of the tiny bar. He strolled in as if it were no big deal, as if he hadn’t sucked all of the air from the room in two seconds flat, and as if he weren’t some hell-sent fallen angel ripe for the picking. His black tresses fell from the loose pony tail knocking against his back and covered his dark, angular eyes. With high set cheekbones, pale skin to rival my own, and a slender build fit for fucking I couldn’t help but let out a little sound at the sight of him. He looked too romantic for his own good. It was as if he hit the slow-motion button, but then TenTen hit fast-forward and I lost him in the throng all too quickly.

“Ooh, Sasuke got some eye candy!”

“Shut the hell up!” I screeched in a very manly voice. Yeah, a voice like Sakura’s was very manly.

“Go say hi, go say hi,” she said as she put her hands to my back and shoved me in the direction we last saw the sexy beast.

“No, stop it, TenTen!”

Somehow he was too easy to find; I felt my heartbeat catch when I saw him sitting at one of the tall tables in the middle of the floor. I awkwardly plopped into the seat across from him and jammed my hands together beneath the glass tabletop. I looked up at him and laughed breathlessly. The stranger cocked a thin eyebrow at me and I nearly lost control of myself. How could someone be so goddamn sexy? The man was practically delectable, and that was coming from a self-proclaimed playboy.

“Do you need something?”

_Your dick._

“Uh, u—um, do you want me to buy you a drink?” Regretting the words that slipped drunkenly out of my mouth, I almost slapped myself. Even I would have declined an offer like that from me, Mr. Self-Centered the Horny Bastard, Sexiest Man Alive (according to a certain magazine), of house Son of a Bitch.

“Why not?”

My skin burned hot as a fire and almost fell away from my face. Did he seriously just accept my pitiful excuse of an advance? I had to pinch the inside of my thigh ( _ah shit, wrong thing to do near a guy like this_ ) to keep from falling out of my seat. When the first buds of hardness tickled my stomach and stirred to life in my jeans, I knew I was screwed if he wasn’t up for some homoerotic play. This never happened. No guy ever turned me on so quickly. I was supposed to be the tempter.

“Okay,” I said. Bad. Minimal progress. But certainly less pathetic than openly swooning over him.

I called a waitress over, ordered what he wanted, and when I turned around he was leaning across the table, face to face with me. Our noses were so close and I could feel his breath tickle my lips. Oh God, I wanted his breath to tickle more intimate places.

“I’m not good with verbal foreplay,” he said. “But you seem…”

I was scared he could hear my heartbeat as loudly as I could. I leaned in farther, internally begging him to finish his sentence before the suspense gave me an aneurism.

“Different,” he said.

I had to force myself from appearing visibly crestfallen, as much as I wanted to slump over and pout at his words. Interesting would have been a better word to use! I nodded fervently, not trusting myself to speak like a normal human being. He smiled complacently and repositioned himself properly in his seat. The waitress appeared and the dark stranger took both our glasses from her tray, gave a very generous tip as it seemed from the look on her smitten face, and took control of the entire situation between us.

I glanced at TenTen and saw her give me a double thumbs up. She shook her ass at me then turned around to pay someone else attention. I looked back at this drop-dead gorgeous man and smiled. I felt more comfortable knowing I’d get what I wanted tonight since he seemed so keen on talking with me.

“What’s your name?” I said.

“Itachi. You?”

“Sasuke.”

He nodded and started a conversation I wouldn’t be able to remember the next day. Now that I was more confident in myself, I could easily carry a decent conversation with him. After a few minutes of small talk neither of us really cared for (except I actually did but I didn’t let myself think this) he grabbed my hand and started to lead me to the entrance. My smile grew as we bumped into dancing people and held tight to one another so we wouldn’t get lost. I looked up at him and felt my chest clench. The way he walked was so cool and confident, as if he knew exactly where his long strides led him, and that was out the door into the misting night. He let go of me and yanked up the collar of his thick black coat as the heavy metal door slammed shut behind us. I threw my navy coat over my shoulders and stuffed my arms into the openings, following his lead to the parking lot.

This was the best birthday ever. I blushed when he opened the passenger door of his luxury car for me and sank inside without a breath in my lungs. How had I landed such an exceptional hotty?

He drove me to a high-end apartment complex in Tokyo. The inside of his apartment was filled with classic paintings (Monet’s, Van Goh’s, and so on), beautiful décor, and the plushest furniture I ever touched. The hardwood floors felt smooth beneath my shoeless feet and the high ceilings caught my eyes. An immaculate, open floor plan sprawled the entire space.

He turned at the end of the hallway into the kitchen and started making tea. I still felt the alcohol affecting my senses so I thought well of the tea. I smiled and carried small conversation with him then took the little green cup full of steaming tea he offered me.

I followed him into the adjacent living room and watched as he sat on the creamy sectional, kicked his black-socked feet onto the matching ottoman, and sipped his tea. I say down next to him and didn’t know what to do with myself except sip at the tea. I was nervous for the first time in years. Literally. Did I mention this was the best birthday ever?

“What do you do to live in a place like this?” I looked around in awe, feeling abashed at my blunt question, although this was some high class shit. Even I didn’t live in a place like this and people sent me money because they felt like it.

“I work for the NPA.”

“Do you know how many people have used that to try and get in my pants?” I cocked an eyebrow.

“You’re pretty much already hooked and I didn’t have to say a thing,” he said. I blushed. “So, you’re _the_ Sasuke, huh?”

I nodded.

“Yep, that’s me.” I felt awkward now, uneasy with scratching the surface of my local popularity.

“I must be lucky to have landed the Muckraker.”

“Don’t say that. Everyone is always comparing me to my articles like I’m not an actual person. They look at me and all they see is _Today’s Muckraker: This Week_. That’s not the only thing there is to me.” I set my cup on the long and slender table behind the back of the sofa, as did he.

I leaned over and breathed against his ear when I said this, lifting myself up to straddle him. I lazily laced my arms around his neck and teased the crotch of his pants with my own hardness. “You ready to see this side of me?”

I closed my eyes and grinded harder against him, losing my own patience. Damn, this guy made me want it (or maybe it’s the alcohol, but I really don’t give a damn). He grabbed my hips and thrust against me. I tossed my head back and moaned at the teasing friction.

“That escalated quickly,” he breathed.

I smiled and leaned in to place my lips on his, excited for the fuck of my life. I just knew I would never forget the birthday present he was going to give me.

His hot tongue rimmed my lips and easily had my mouth open for more in the skip of a heartbeat. We breathed heavily into the kisses, sucking the air out of each other like the carbon dioxide was something to live off. In an instant there were warm hands stripping me of my sweater just as the alcohol didn’t cease to rip away my reason, something I didn’t want. The alcohol on Itachi’s breath was faint but it made his kisses sour and I wanted _more_. I swear his breath made me drunker.

The empty air between us appeared quickly as he pulled away and I nearly didn’t let him go, but when his arms wrapped around my waist and picked me up as if I were light as a feather I felt my heart stutter. He lay me on the couch in a haste that left me tipsy because of the liquor offsetting the balance in my ears. He smiled and wrapped his pretty lips around my neck and sucked hard enough to make me quiver. I looked at his hair spilling onto my chest and thought it would be better if he could see me from this angle, but lower.

He stopped sucking on my neck and switched for a more sensitive area. I stopped thinking about pleasing him when his bared teeth caught one of my nipples, pulling gently, but enough to make me arch with him and tighten my fingers on his shoulders. His hot breath hit my chest in a little puff that went deep as my heart to warm that.

“Come here,” I said in a little laugh; a smiled swept across my face when I saw his bright eyes curiously look up at me.

I kissed him deeply, which convinced him to sit up, allowing me to shift him until he was the one sitting on his butt and I was on my knees. With a crooked smile barely an inch from his face, I pushed him until he was lying on his back. His knees held my hips and his fingers knitted themselves tightly in my hair. Slowly, I lowered my line of sight until I saw his broad chest rise and sink. I wanted to see what was under his shirt. His stomach jolted with a little laugh at my eagerness in pulling his shirt up, but I couldn’t feel embarrassed because of the treasure beneath his clothing.

His ivory skin was taut over fine-toned muscles and those wiry arms made me smile as they flexed, lifting his shirt over his head. His hair was in a messy, half-living pony tail that couldn’t keep it from framing his sweet face. I looked at him and shook my head.

“NPA it is,” I said, thoroughly convinced.

He hummed in response, a little smile gracing his face. He had a beautiful smile that made me return the gesture.

I kissed each side of his chest and all the way down his long torso, elated that he responded to ever little touch I offered: from the tight squeezes of my eager hands to the light touch of my nose and heavy kisses, he felt everything I gave him. Finally, I kissed just above the button of his pants and nervously fiddled with the contraption that was his jeans before he laughed and offered his help. I never got the hang of undoing pants from this position.

His dick, harder than mine felt, popped out of his pants and tapped my chin as if it were begging to be engulfed in my waiting mouth. I tilted my head and took him in a little bit then sucked on it the whole way out of my mouth. Itachi put his hands in my hair and ran them all over my head as I bobbed up and down like a good little boy. He stared at me and I held his gaze as I went deep, deep, deep then quickly pulled it in and out and lapped at its length. It slipped from my wet lips and hit his stomach, causing me to laugh. I looked at him and smiled, which he returned and shook his head.

For several more minutes, I deep-throated, teased, sucked, and lapped at his cock. I never had as much fun sucking a dick as did when I sucked Itachi’s. He played with my hair and moaned when I did something that really pleased him and plunged into my mouth if I didn’t go deep enough. I swallowed the precum that escaped and hummed to myself with pride.

He held my face and pulled me off his dick, making my scrunch my eyebrows in disappointment.

“Turn around and bend over,” he cooed.

I pulled myself up and he did the same, unbuttoning my pants and yanking them down to my thighs. I threw my legs over the edge of the couch, shaking as I pulled the dark jeans to my ankles and kicked them to the floor. I was still nervous, no matter how drunk I was, about getting to be fucked by a guy like this. I looked over at him and noticed his dick stood out of his pants, still wet with my saliva. My dick throbbed and I wanted to be fucked so hard we scuffed the floor with the couch; I loved when they still had their clothes on as they took me from behind.

Itachi’s hands held my hips as I bent over with my elbows on the arm of the couch. He let go of me and I heard a drawer open and close, something click, and when I looked behind me I saw him rub lube over a yellow condom decorating his dick.

“Hey, that one has bumps! Those are my favorite,” I smiled.

Itachi looked at me with a glint in his eye like I put a stitch in his side.

“You’re gonna make me so amused I’ll lose my boner,” he said.

I shut my mouth like he threatened there would be no sex tonight. No fucking way.

I turned around and shook my butt a little, bored as I waited for him to get to work on me. His hands were cold now and a little wet as he pulled one of my ass cheeks apart, then slowly pushed a finger into my asshole. He swirled it around, flexing and rotating it until I shuddered when he hit my prostate. I lifted my chin as he added a second, stretching me and massaging the bundle of electric nerves. He reached around with his other hand, jerking me and finger fucking me at the same time.

I moaned and found it impossibly hard to breathe as both his hands moved faster in perfect unison. I moved my ass in rhythm with his motions and moaned each time his hand hit the base of my dick and his knuckle hit my ass. Faster and faster—I was gonna make myself cum like this if he didn’t stop me.

“God, harder,” I said.

He put a third finger inside me and jerked his hand faster. All I could think about was his clothed body fucking me and watching me moan and shudder right in front of him. I loved that he watched me arch my back and beg for more and more. He stopped everything for a fraction of a second and that was enough to make me moan discontentedly. When I felt the tip of his cock push into my ass, guided by his skilled hand, I held my breath. Itachi wasn’t exceptionally large, but definitely the largest I’d seen.

His dick was cool with lubrication, but that helped it slide in the first couple of inches, but after that it was difficult to keep my pained noises down. He paused and bent over my back, kissing the nape of my neck and rubbing my chest. His fingers played with my nipple as he pulled out, which let me breathe out and take another gasp of air as he pushed in farther this time. His hand moved to my dick and grabbed it tightly. I moaned unabashedly and held my head in the crook of his neck, breathing in the breezy scent of his hair to comfort me.

His stomach touched my ass and I knew it could only be heaven from here on. He thrust inside me, hitting my knee-shaking hot spot the first time, and made me arch my back and grip the couch so tight my nails hurt. I jerked beneath him, his hot back pressing into mine and holding me close as he fucked me until I couldn’t help it and leaned down to press my cheek into the couch. He peeled himself from the sweaty skin of my back and gripped my pelvis with all the arousal pumping through his muscles and held himself high above me. I replaced his hand on my dick with my own, jerking myself off beneath him. This fueled both of his and made us faster, more desperate for completion.

I moaned and begged him to fuck me harder.

“Fuck me ‘til I cum—unh—Itachi, please!”

He groaned and hit my ass until I heard the sound of skin meeting skin ring in the silence of his high-ceilinged apartment.

I lifted myself to my knees and put my head into the crook of his neck again, wrapping my arms around his head behind me, and smiled in a breathy moan when his lips wrapped around the other side of my neck and sucked harder. He wrapped his hand around my dick again and kept fucking me until there was no way I could last any longer.

“I—Itachi,” I moaned.

He moaned deep in his throat and sucked on my neck so hard I whined, but this didn’t stop him—it pushed him deep inside me as far as he could go. He shoved me forward with the force of his fucking, but held on so he could keep thrusting, and thrusting.

Before I knew it, the heat of orgasm exploded in the pit of my stomach and I came into his hand, my hips jolting my dick forward as shots of cum hit the palm of his hand and splattered on the couch as he moved his hand up and down. I cried out and moaned over and over, and then he came too. I felt him pause, then he pushed inside me once, twice, three times; I could almost feel his cock pulse inside me as he filled me up.

His arms wrapped around my chest and he rested his head on my shoulder as he breathed heavily into the back of my neck. Slowly, I sank to the cushions and he followed suit, curled up behind me like I was his little spoon. Several moments passed and I smiled as the quick heaving of his breathless lungs lessened. I waited for him to say something, to ask me to leave, to ask me to stay—something. Worriedly and carefully, I turned around to see his eyes shut heavily and his breath deep with sleep.

Oh, the romance that pounded in my chest at the sight of his mouth barely agape, his thick lashes so gorgeous. He wasn’t sexy in the strictest of definitions, but he was something else and that was something amazing. Itachi was peaceful and opened up as he slept, the calm expression making me forget the sultry glances we shared and the dirty thoughts we exchanged. Now, he was just beautiful Itachi.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading, please leave a comment! I don't feel very confident about this chapter, haha. Also I have a Tumblr where I'll post teasers of upcoming chapters! http://hisqween.tumblr.com is where it's at~


End file.
